I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
