all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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