Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
