I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
