would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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