Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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