Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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