I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Alive.
So much puke
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
