I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
