Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
