I skipped work to stalk him.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
