I just saw a hot homeless man
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
