I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
