dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Drunk is a universal language darling
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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