I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
