I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
