i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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