I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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