I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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