i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
