I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
