So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
