I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Your dad touched me again.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
