Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
