I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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