there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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