I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
