It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
