Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
