made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
