Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
