Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
