The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
