just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
