my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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