when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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