thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
