it wasn't lemon gatorade
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
