drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
