Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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