im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
