The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
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Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
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If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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