Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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