I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
