omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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