I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
