my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
