Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
