every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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