He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sorry my hands just texted you
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
