and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
