Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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