Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
