i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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