I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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