I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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