If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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