Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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